Part 1: The Back Story

I’ve been stumped on how to start what will be a very long rendition of how baby #3 came to join our family. Do I dive right in? Do I start with the appointment that turned our lives upside down? Do I go straight to her delivery? Ultimately, I’ve decided there’s too much back story to start with the birth. In order to get a true feel for everything that happened, it’s important to understand what lead us to those moments in the first place. And rather than start with how miserable this pregnancy was, I’m going to go back a step further and talk about what lead us to decide to have another baby knowing full well we’d likely find ourselves facing all of the same complications we had with Shasta and Shelby. I considered writing this as a “choose your own adventure” story because let’s face it, it’s going to be a novel and the actual events that take place aren’t nearly as fun as choosing your own path to take. But it would take more creativity than I’m willing to put into this so for now I’ll stick with the facts. Maybe I’ll convince Nick to write a choose your own adventure story of his version when I ever so lovingly persuade him to write his point of view. After all, he wrote down his version for the last two babies so it’s only right that he does it for this one!

Before I get started I should place a disclaimer that everything I write down will be raw and close to my heart. I don’t like leaving out details to make it more comfortable for those who read it. I write these experiences down for myself, to be able to reflect back on them and grow from what I learned. It’s all in the details for me to be able to do that so I apologize in advance for the tmi. It’s a lot easier to share these details through writing than say them out loud. Still I share because it’s what makes me the person I am today and I’m grateful for that. Now’s your chance to either stop reading, you’ve been warned; or change into some comfy clothes, pop some popcorn, and kick back, because you’re going to be here a while!

I’m going to start with April 2013 when Shelby was born. We had just gone through the same experience as with Shasta’s birth. Both girls came at 32 weeks and I had a miserable experience being on bed rest and in and out of the hospital until Shelby was born. It was then that I realized this would likely be a thing with all of my babies and I knew it would take a lot for me to come around to the idea of having another one. I knew I needed to start preparing myself to receive an answer about having more children because either way I wasn’t going to like it. It sucked to think Shelby could be our last baby and it sucked to think about having more knowing what I’d likely go through.

I started reading the Book of Mormon in search for some comfort and guidance. I wasn’t looking for answers if we should have more babies; I simply wanted my heart to be prepared to receive those answers about growing our family. It also became something Nick and I included regularly in our nightly prayers together. And of course it was a prayer I carried in my heart every time I attended the temple. And so this process continued for three years.

I told Nick countless times over the next three years that we couldn’t leave Cache Valley until we were done having kids because I wasn’t willing to leave my doctor. Not that we ever want to leave Cache Valley, but if an opportunity presented itself there’s a chance we’d take it. But after having two babies under high risk conditions, I didn’t want to trust anyone else to deliver. I needed my doctor because he knew my situation and history. He had been there for me through two pregnancies and I needed that consistency. Plus, he has a way of saying exactly what I need to hear.

I also wanted our pediatrician if we had another baby in the NICU. He’s exactly the kind of doctor I need for my kids. He’s relaxed and easy going. He makes me feel like I know what’s best for my kids and never projects his ideas onto me. He called me every single day to give me an update while my girls were in the NICU and he even left me a mother’s day gift when my first baby was still in the NICU over the holiday. I love that he doesn’t jump to worst case scenarios or over analyze the situation. I’ve had to take my girls to different doctors during afterhours and we’ve seen some doctors that I was very thankful weren’t their regular pediatrician. One made me feel like the worst mother in the world for not putting lotion on my child. She had tiny red bumps on her forearms and he said if she was his child he’d be caking her in Vaseline. Another time I took Shelby in for a UTI and that doctor told me she could need surgery and we needed to come back in a week after her UTI was all cleared up to run more urine tests. Um, no thanks. She was nearly four years old and it was her first UTI; pretty sure she doesn’t have whatever huge problem that doctor threw at us. Never would our regular pediatrician have done or said either of those things if he was who saw them during those visits.

Fast forward to December 2015; something changed within me (who started singing Defying Gravity from Wicked?!). I started feeling like maybe I was ready to have another baby. I called my doctor’s office to see about scheduling an appointment to counsel with my doctor and possibly have my IUD removed, but the soonest they could get me in was February. TWO MONTHS? What if I changed my mind by then?! What if this new feeling that maybe I could have another baby went away? What if it was just a moment of weakness? So I didn’t schedule the appointment. I felt overwhelmed because for nearly three years I had zero desire to ever have another baby and I truly thought that desire would never come back around.

February came and the yearning was still there. Nick and I had continued to pray about it and I had continued to take it to the temple, but to no avail I left every time feeling discouraged. I felt ready to have another baby, but I knew I wouldn’t move forward without personal revelation that God was on the same page and agreed that it was right for our family. And so my prayers began to change. They went from, “help us to be ready to receive an answer” to “I think we’re ready, what do ya think?” to “okay, we’re gonna start taking baby steps in preparation. Stop us if it isn’t right”. Of course it was all said more reverently, but you get the idea.

And so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. Just like before it was two months out so I wouldn’t see him until April, but it was better in the long run for that desire to keep growing rather than still be new and uncertain. Nick and I also moved forward with signing up for a supplemental insurance plan through my work since we know how expensive our hospital bills are after all the extra time I spend there and then baby’s time in the NICU. And of course we continued to take it to the temple.

I met with my doctor and counseled with him about my situation and how he felt about us having another baby. And because he’s so amazing, he brought the gospel into our visit and told me ultimately it’s between me, Nick, and the Lord. I joked with him about his vacation plans for the following year to make sure he’d be around when I was due. He said his wife wanted to go to Europe and I told him I didn’t want to go to Europe while pregnant. Because you know, where he goes I go if it means I don’t have to stress about anyone else doing the delivery! And while I was mostly teasing, I wanted nothing more than the guarantee that he would be there for the delivery. Everything else would be hard, but I could manage. Having another baby meant my only way out was surgery and it’s terrifying to put your life in someone else’s hands. I needed the comfort of knowing I had someone I knew and loved and trusted to keep me and the baby safe. But obviously he can’t promise that to me and even still, I went ahead and had my IUD removed because I knew I wanted my body to regulate before we started trying. Of course it never did. For being regular my whole post-pubescent life, it was truly frustrating for my cycle to be all over the place clear up until I finally conceived.

I made an appointment, had my IUD removed, signed up for secondary insurance with my work, and then we waited. “Okay Lord. We’ve taken all these steps. All that’s left is to hear from you and start trying! Thanks for the lesson in patience. We’re ready when you are.” And we continued to wait. And pray.  And attend the temple. And wait some more.

 And then finally the answer came! The information in this next part will likely be the only place where I’m vague in the details because some spiritual experiences are meant to be kept private. But for the sake of this story, I will share just enough as to not leave you completely in the dark!

We took our girls to Disneyland to celebrate our 10^th wedding anniversary. It’s always a goal when we’re in a new place to attend a temple we haven't been to. Last time we went to Disneyland we went to the San Diego Temple so this time we ventured over to the LA Temple. As per tradition, we did Sealings to celebrate our anniversary. While at the altar, the Sealer was chatting with us and said something so powerful and unexpected. I fought so hard to hold back the tears as I processed what had been said. We finished our turn and sat back down while the other couple did some sealings. While sitting next to Nick the tears rolled freely down my cheeks and I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check because I knew we weren’t done taking a turn doing sealings. As I sat there I thought about what the Sealer said to us. How could he know? Was that the answer I’ve been waiting for? Why was it us he said it to and not the other couple here in the room? And then my thoughts turned negative and my tears changed to frustration. It was just a coincidence. He says that to every couple. It’s just part of his rhetoric. And I found myself questioning what had happened and if it was truly meant to be my answer. And Nick held my hand knowing full well the experience we just had and probably thinking my tears were stemmed from gratitude that my troubled heart finally received an answer because he knew how important it was to me. And I’m certain he had no idea the battle I was having within.

We took another turn at the Altar and the other couple took another turn after us and then the sealer dismissed us to leave. As we stood to walk out a temple worker hurried into the room. In a rush he asked us if we all had time and would be willing to stay for one more sealing. I won’t go into detail of the events that happened next because I hold them very sacred, but long story short, the Lord knew I would leave the temple that day questioning the answer He gave me. And so He gave it to me again. Verbatim those same words were repeated to me through the same Sealer and I left the temple that day knowing the Lord knew my heart and blessed me greatly to know undoubtedly that His hand was in my life that day. He knows me personally and took care of my needs. I know that for certain. If only I could have held onto that knowledge during my pregnancy….

My all time favorite scripture, Romans 8:16-17; I am a daughter of God and a joint-heir with Christ if so be that I suffer with Him. I know that I am a daughter of God and that He knows me personally. This scripture came into play so many times throughout my pregnancy when I needed it the most. And oh boy did I do my fair share of suffering! But more on that later. As Nick and I drove back to our hotel room after attending the temple, we discussed what had happened and I felt so much gratitude that we had that experience together. He was completely on the same page as me and even pointed out other things that I hadn’t noticed; like how we had intended to be to the temple much earlier in the day, but for whatever reason couldn’t get there. And google maps said it would take 3 hours to get there with traffic and we got there in an hour. Of course driving back took 3 hours as expected, but I was so drained that I slept the whole way back. Poor Nick to always get stuck driving!

That experience happened in May and we still waited until July to start trying. We waited partly because of our supplemental insurance plan and partly because I knew how quickly and easily we got pregnant with our last two babies and I didn’t want to risk having a holiday baby if this one followed their example and came early. I wanted that 32 week mark to be free and clear of December and maybe even January just to be safe. July came and so did the anticipation and excitement. We’re really doing this. And everything will be okay. We have God on our side, my doctor is on board, and no matter what happens, those two things will get me through the delivery. That’s what gave me the confidence to move forward in faith; confirmation from God and trusting I’d have my doctor.

August came and went with no positive test. Then September.  October too. What is happening? Our last two pregnancies we started trying and had a positive test the first time we took one. Here we’ve had three rounds with nothing. We’ve taken all the steps. We received the answer I needed. All that’s left is conceiving so why isn’t it working?

November.

December.

When January came I told Nick if we didn’t have a positive test then I wanted to take a break from trying for a while. I know there are plenty of people that have it much harder than our lousy 6 months of no success, but it was discouraging for me and unexpected. And ultimately it had been a nearly four year journey at this point in my quest to know if another baby was in our future. I thought we were doing what the Lord wanted of us, but nothing was happening.

And then I got a positive test! Are false positives a thing? Because I was certainly fearful of that. But not long after the sickness kicked in and I had no doubt I was actually pregnant. In hind sight the timing was meant to be, but in the moment it was hard and confusing. I’m thankful it’s God’s will and not mine because if it was mine everything would have been a whole lot harder for us. Another moment where it’s so clear looking back that my Heavenly Father knows me and my situation and His hand was in my life.

And so began the longest, hardest six months of my life; a time that would test my faith more than anything else. The pregnancy.