Bringing Home Shelby

Shelby's homecoming was stressful. A few days prior she was put back on oxygen so Nick and I were feeling like it would be a while still before she came home. When I came in Friday morning and was told she could be going home the next day I couldn't believe my ears. I was excited and frustrated all at the same time.

There are three factors that decide when a premie is ready to leave the NCU. She has to be maintaining her own body temperature, eating without a feeding tube for 48 hours, and gaining weight. Shelby was gaining weight daily and had been maintaining her own body temperature for a week or so before she came home so all we were waiting on was for her to figure out how to eat. She would take some from a bottle, but then get tuckered out and they'd have to tube feed the rest. The first time she took a full bottle she decided to do it three more times that day, but then it was hit and miss if she would take it all or not. It had been a few days since she had taken a full bottle on her own so when they told me she had gone 24 hours without needing to be tube fed I was shocked.

Thursday was Shasta's birthday so I went to spend time with Shelby early that morning. By the time I came to see her on Friday it had been a little over 24 hours since I had seen her. Apparently she wasn't okay with that because she decided it was time for her to come home!

I'll admit that part of me wanted her to stay through the weekend and come home Monday. I had to be on campus for 4 hours Monday morning and Nick had class during part of that time too. The last thing I wanted was to have someone watch Shelby two days after she came home. Even letting family watch her made me nervous because although I trust them, they weren't around to see all the ups and downs she had in the NCU. And I know how hard it is to restrain from wanting to hold her the entire time because she's tiny and adorable, but premies aren't supposed to be held too much because they struggle with the extra stimulation. They can't be bounced and rocked and loved on the way full term babies can because their nerves can't tolerate it until they're a little bigger.

Then on top of that, the following Saturday was Nick's graduation and we had ceremonies to attend that took up a good chunk of the day. Already twice in a week's time we would have to leave Shelby because she can't be out in public. I 'jokingly' asked her doctor if it would be okay to take her to graduation and he said absolutely not. So yes, her coming home was very stressful, but we survived. Nick's mom came up and watched her on Monday while we were in class and my mom flew in from Arizona and watched her while we went to Nick's graduation.

But, back to the day she came home...

We had to wait around for a while because unfortunately she was coming home on oxygen and we needed the oxygen company to bring us a tank. She also had to pass her car seat test so we did that while we waited for the oxygen to come. It's always bitter sweet leaving the NCU. Twenty days is a long time to be there so I developed friendships with the nurses that made it sad to leave. Plus it's scary to bring home a four pound baby!!!

Doing her car seat test.

She's so tiny we had to put a washcloth between her and the seat belt to keep her from sliding down. Supposedly this car seat is made for a 4lb baby, but it sure looks like it's swallowing her whole!

Nick had dropped Shasta off to play at a friend's house while I was at the hospital because he desperately needed to work on his paper for school. Once Shelby and I got home and her oxygen was all set up, Nick went and picked up Shasta. Shelby and I were sitting on the couch when she walked in the house and her reaction was absolutely priceless. Nick asked her who was here and she reverently and excitedly exclaimed, "It's Shelby!" and ran over to the couch to see. I immediately let her hold Shelby because up until now the only contact she'd had was through a glass window or in pictures. Shasta was absolutely smitten. She couldn't take her eyes off of her. She was so in love and didn't want me to take her away.

Since then she's been extra helpful. There's been several times that I've caught her trying to pick Shelby up without any help. She loves holding her. She held her three different times in one evening and each time was a good thirty minutes. That's a long time for a two year old! She also likes to help change her diapers, feed her bottles, burp her, and most importantly, share her toys. The first couple of weeks she helped every single time we fed and changed her, but the excitement has since died down and now she only helps occasionally. But now she's on a kick where every time I burp her Shasta tells me I'm patting her too hard and she comes and shows me how to do it softer!

She's a great big sister!

Shasta Turns 2

Shasta's 2nd birthday was pretty low key. Shelby was still in the NCU and Nick and I were finishing up school, so we didn't add any stress by making a big deal out of Shasta's birthday.

Nick's parents and two sisters came to the hospital to see Shelby the Sunday before Shasta's birthday and then afterwards we went back to our house for some food and presents. I felt kind of silly that everyone else brought the food and cake for Shasta's birthday, but there was no way Nick and I could have done it.

Visiting Shelby.

She looks so tiny in Nick's hands.

Holy stilts! Her leg looks so long and skinny!

Nick told his mom Shasta wanted an Aggie cake. This is Old Main Hill with the A on the top! Not too shabby for short notice!

Shasta with her cake and cupcakes.

Time to blow out the candles!

And finally time for presents. I love how Wedge is front and center when there are four cousins there to celebrate her birthday!

Then on Shasta's actual birthday Nick had school and had to work in the afternoon so we only had a small window to celebrate it as a family. After Nick came home from school we had her open presents. Then when he came home for dinner we had cake. We would have had ice cream too, but I forgot that I bought some!

I went to visit Shelby at 5:00 that morning and stayed until Nick had to leave for school at 9:30am. It was important to me that Shasta didn't go to a babysitter on her birthday so the only chance I had to see Shelby was super early in the morning. I'm sure it wouldn't have made any difference to Shasta to go play with friends for a few hours while I was at the hospital, but since we weren't doing anything special for her big day I wanted to make sure she at least got to spend the whole day with either Nick or me.

Her new baby stroller! What a hit!

She really was excited about her presents...!

And because Nick knows I'm obsessed with little feet, he snapped this!

I bought a cake because I didn't have time or energy to make one.

It's funny that any other time she loves blowing out the candles, but when it came to the candles on her birthday cake she wanted nothing to do with them.

Once the candles were gone she was excited to get to eat some cake!

 All things said and done it was a pretty good day. She loved singing Happy Birthday all day long (and several days following)! I think she felt special and that's all that really matters.

And since I'm blogging nearly two months late, Nick's birthday has come and gone. It took a lot of convincing Shasta that it wasn't her birthday, it was Daddy's. The morning of his birthday I was practicing the Happy Birthday song with her. We would sing it one time through saying Daddy and then she wanted us to say Shasta so we had to sing it again with her name. It's now been a couple of weeks since Nick's birthday and just tonight after dinner Nick was back on his way to work and as he was leaving Shasta wished him a happy birthday. She's such a silly girl!

Visitng Shelby In Her Home Away From Home

Shelby started off in Room 1 and was there for at least two weeks and then was moved to Room 5. I asked why they moved her to the other room and they said because it was quieter. Boy were they wrong! Room 1 was right next to the nurse's station at the front of the NCU and Room 5 was at the other end of the hall next to the other nurse's station.The one at the front of the hall is where all the nurses sit and where the most traffic was as far as people coming in and out to see their babies so yes, it was noisy in that sense, but the other nurse's station was far worse. There was usually always one nurse sitting there at the computer with the volume all the way up so any time any monitor went off in any of the rooms it was incredibly loud because it went off at the computer too. It would sound in the room it was dinging in and echo at the nurse's station on the computer. Every time a monitor went off it sounded like it was right in our room so I would check our stuff to make sure it wasn't Shelby. I liked Room 1 so much better. Luckily we weren't in Room 5 for too long before she got to come home.

The cute little name tag the nurses made for Shelby!

A full shot of the room. Not much to see really, but we spent a lot of time in there so I thought we should document it.

Shelby's isolet. This bed was way cooler than the isolet Shasta had. The top of it raised up so it could be an open bed. Unfortunately, Shelby wasn't maintaining her temperature so we never got to have the top up longer than just changing her diaper. You can kind of see the blanket on top. That's a special made cover that blocks out the light so she can sleep and grow.

Shelby laying on her tummy inside the isolet.

The monitor that told us every time Shelby was struggling. It's always nice to say good-bye to this bad boy!

Shelby in her big girl bed!

Our first family picture. Shasta met Shelby for the first time a week after she was born. Since she's not allowed in the NCU she could only meet her through the window, but she was satisfied. Shasta was completely smitten. Every time we talked about Shelby I was never sure how much Shasta really understood. Before she was born I figured Shasta just thought my belly was named Shelby. Then after she was born we talked about Shelby being in the hospital and no longer in my tummy. When Shasta finally got to see her it was almost like she knew all along what it meant to have a baby in mommy's tummy and that she was now in the hospital! She kept saying she wanted to hold her and change her diaper. I was worried Shasta might be jealous that I was holding another baby and not her, but nope. If anything she was jealous that I was holding a baby and she wasn't!

Shelby's Birth Story: Thoughts and Feelings

I promise this is the last post about Shelby's birth...!

Even though I had a pretty good idea what I was up against when I was told there was protein in my urine, I was terrified. The second time around was far harder than the first. Finding out a week sooner than I did with Shasta and being put on bed rest for a week and a half before Shelby was born was really difficult. I really struggled with feeling like an awful parent. It was SO hard for me to understand the importance of taking care of the child inside of me when there was a child right in front of me that needed me. Not only that, but I felt silly making everyone else do everything for my child and me when I felt capable of doing it myself.

During the semester Shasta was passed around from one sitter to the next, five days a week for eight weeks. My student teaching had finally ended and I finally got to spend my days with her and then two and a half weeks later I was put on bed rest. My whole pregnancy I struggled to be the mom that I wanted to be because I was so sick and miserable. During my student teaching I was still way sick, but it was starting to get better. By the time I was put on bed rest it had been three weeks since I had last puked. I was at a point where I was feeling decent and had time to spend with Shasta and it was suddenly ripped away from me.

I wouldn't have survived any of this without the help of family, friends, and ward members. Nick's sister Kaleena was a HUGE life saver while I was in and out of the hospital (and throughout the whole school semester for that matter). Knowing Shasta was with family (and a cousin that she absolutely adores) made it a whole lot easier on me. Even thinking back on it while writing this makes me tear up. I can't really begin to describe how it felt as a mother, to send my child off to someone else day after day and only getting to spend 10-20 minutes with her myself. Having Kaleena available to help really eased some of that stress and frustration. Side note: In all that Kaleena has done for me and Nick during the semester, I finally had the chance to help her out and watch her daughter while she went to get her hair done. It happened to be the afternoon of my 31 week appointment and wouldn't you know that was the first time I ended up in the hospital. I felt terrible, but luckily Nick was still able to watch her daughter.

Also, my ward set up meals while I was on bed rest and sent around a sign up sheet so people could be with me and Shasta while Nick was gone at work and school. They even set up an "on-call" list just in case I needed help outside of those time frames. They were understanding of my desire to have Shasta home with me and not sent off to different homes everyday for people to watch her. Even though it was less convenient for them to come be at my house, they were willing. They really were amazing. Plus, Nick's sister Emily came up one afternoon and helped out with grocery shopping and some cleaning and Nick's mom spent two days helping with housework and laundry. (I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people.)

I cried daily while I was on bed rest and while I was in the hospital. I had a lot of fears with this pregnancy and every last one of them smacked me in the face all at once. My biggest fear came before we ever even got pregnant and was prominent throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times my faith was blinded by fear because I just couldn't shake what I was feeling. And once I found myself on bed rest my fears were magnified because it all became very real in a hurry.

I wiped away tears every time Nick and Shasta left the hospital. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time I would ever see them. I had a much better understanding this time around of how life threatening this disease can be and it was getting to me. And what's worse is knowing I will go through all of this again if we choose to have another baby.

Right now I don't know if there are more pregnancies in my future. I don't know what God's plan for us is and frankly, it's not an answer I'm ready to receive because either way it sucks. It's heart breaking to think Shelby could be our last and it's terrifying to think there could be more. But I figure since my baby is only 8 weeks old, it's not something I need to worry about right now. However, it is something I think about daily because I feel like I need to be prepared to accept whatever answer my Heavenly Father gives us. So right now I'm in search for answers because I feel like part of being prepared for an answer from Him is knowing what I'm up against with another pregnancy.

My doctor has recommended we talk to a specialist from Ogden and he'll set that appointment up when we're ready. Since I'm fully covered the rest of the year now that we've met our out of pocket, we'll be doing that sometime this year. Most likely before fall semester starts and our lives get crazy again.

It's hard not to feel like a failure in all of this. The one thing Nick wants more than anything else is a son and I may not be able to give him one. I can't shake being sick during pregnancy. I can't seem to carry a baby full term. I can't have a vaginal birth. And even if we did conceive a boy, they're not as strong as the girls so there's a good chance we wouldn't have as healthy of a baby as Shasta and Shelby were.

Sadly, I think the most heart breaking part with another pregnancy is thinking about all the help we'll need with taking care of my girls (and me if I end up on bed rest again). Worrying about Shasta was so stressful. Even though I knew she was fine and won't remember any of this when she's older, it still didn't help in the now, especially when she would cling to me or break down and cry when she had to leave me. I don't know that I can do that again. Not to mention how incredibly stressful it was making sure there would be someone to watch her each time we needed it.

When I think about another pregnancy, I think about how inconvenient it is for everyone else. I think of how much worry and stress I feel for my kids. I think about 7 nights straight spent in the hospital (experienced that with both Shasta and Shelby). Another pregnancy makes me think about steroid shots in my butt, a preterm baby, and time in the NCU. And worst of all, when I think of another pregnancy I think of Magnesium and a c-section. None of that sounds very fun.

So like I said, we don't know what our future holds, nor are we ready to know. Either way it's a lot to digest and the dust still hasn't settled from everything that happened this time around. I once wanted my kids to be spaced out roughly 2 years apart. Shelby was born April 8th and Shasta turned two April 25th. I guess we'll see if we keep with the trend!

Shelby's Birth Story: Nick's Version

Sara has been wanting me to write my side of Shelby’s birth story for a while, but I think she’ll probably be pretty disappointed.  The truth is, I feel like I avoided the hospital for a lot of the time that Sara was there.  It’s not that I don’t like hospitals or was uncomfortable with my wife being hooked up to four or five machines telling us what was wrong.  Mostly, I was just being selfish.  For spring break, I planned on finishing one of the major papers I had to write, and get half way through my other.  We ended up staying somewhere without internet, so I lost a week of research.  The next week, I spent all of Sara’s birthday trying to catch up; forgetting to even wish her happy birthday until 20 minutes before it was over.  The next week, Sara spent her first night in the hospital.  I didn’t believe we would end up going through the same experience with Shelby that we went through with Shasta, so I didn’t concern myself with staying in the hospital.  The next day, Sara was sent home on bed rest for the balance of the pregnancy.  I spent most of the weekend that was supposed to be dedicated to research catch up, trying to figure out who could take care of Shasta and how to get her there.  I spent as much time with Shasta as I could, and ended up getting further and further behind.  I was also trying to keep from burning through all my PTO at work because I had eaten up a fair amount of our savings when I was on disability with a broken hand.  By the time Sara went in for her follow up check up, I had expected no changes, and she would  be back home with me scrambling to take care of Shasta; but the news was not that good, so things got more difficult.  I spent even less time at the hospital, trying to be with Shasta and get my homework to a point where I could turn it in and not fail the classes.  I would have a plan to take Shasta to visit her mom, and we could spend 30 minutes or so at the hospital, but it usually didn’t work out, mostly because Shasta wanted to cuddle with her mom, but was too rambunctious to avoid hurting Sara, so we usually only stayed about half the time.  

On the morning when Shelby was born, I had taken Shasta to the hospital on my way to dropping her off at my sister’s house.  I had a test to take, and had studied about half as hard as I needed to.  The nurse came in on my heels to inform us that we were having the baby that day, and she made it sound like it was happening right away.  I once again went into scramble mode, trying to get Kaleena to come get Shasta (my sister’s toilet had flooded all over her, and she was trying to get Meili water off of her).  I eventually got a hold of our relief society president who hurried over to pick up Shasta, but by that time, Kaleena was only a few minutes away, so I asked Stephanie to sit with Shasta for a few minutes until Kaleena showed up.  I hurried back up, still believing we were only minutes away from having a baby.  

 But we waited.  

 So I rushed down and made sure Kaleena had gotten there, gave her the keys to my car so she could get the car seat, and then hurried back up.  

 But we waited.  

 After a while, it became clear that this wasn’t happening right away.  The ultrasound tech came in, took his time doing whatever he was doing.  On and on it went.  I emailed my teacher to tell him why I wasn’t in class and he kindly allowed me to take the test at a later date.  I was hoping to get a shower in, but I had given away my car keys and was stuck until Kaleena could return to give them back to me.  We waited until late in the afternoon; apparently we were at the bottom of a long list of c-sections performed that day.  By the time it finally happened, I had been in and out of the delivery area a dozen times, and it was always inconvenient, so it was almost calming putting on scrubs and feeling all important walking into the operating room and sitting down next to Sara to finally get this done, which is ironic considering it was almost eight weeks early. 

The actual delivery process was mostly how Sara described it.  I had two jobs; hold Sara’s hand and take pictures of Shelby.  Of course, a couple of days before Shelby was born, I had taken the memory stick out of the camera and put it in my back pocket.  This apparently causes the memory stick to want to be formatted, and you can’t argue with a memory stick.  I hadn’t come up with my brilliant idea to switch the memory stick out of the video camera into our regular camera yet, so going into the delivery, I already felt like a tourist, being forced to take pictures with my below average phone.  Then putting on my scrubs and feeling like I had missed my true calling in life being a doctor (I went to school long enough to be one), it was almost a little frustrating being stored behind the curtain while the wizard pulled the baby out of his magic bag.  I tried peeking over the curtain a couple of times, once to see all the fuss with the uterus, the other time was to see what time Shelby had been born.  Both times, I felt like a mouse emerging from a hole to find cheese and seeing the humans start freaking out at my appearance.  The correct chronology for the events of the birth is a little hazy; I remember the cleaning, and the pinching, and the dropping blood pressure.  How ironic that the reason we were in this predicament was because of high blood pressure, and to see Sara’s blood pressure dropping exponentially.  That was probably the scariest part for me, but the anesthesiologist seemed unconcerned, so I tried not to worry.  The longest part of the surgery was the cleaning up and stitching up, so it felt like I sat a long time, just waiting to be excused. 

I went to see Shelby right away, which is just as uncomfortable as it was with Shasta.  There were fewer people hovering around her, and people seemed to be much calmer.  Doctor Horkley had been there early Monday morning, so he was once again not there, so I got the explanation of everything they were putting on and in Shelby from his associate and gave permission for them to insert the permanent iv line into her umbilical cord (which was a little frustrating because it limited the access we had to her.  When they tried with Shasta, they couldn’t get it in, which I think was a blessing for us the first time around).  I was watching desperately for my parents to arrive so that I could hijack my mom’s camera and take some good pictures of our baby, but I abandoned them to get to spend some time with Sara in recovery.  She was a lot better.  With Shasta, the nurse told me that Sara may love me, but she doesn’t like me much right now.  This time, Sara was mostly with it, in significantly less pain, and aware of all that was going on.  I was able to talk to her, show her pictures, and provide some comfort.  All in all, it was a much smoother process, or so it seemed. 

Originally, we felt like Shelby was progressing a lot faster.  She had oxygen out two hours after her birth and they quickly bumped up her feedings, but she eventually stopped tolerating her feedings and went back on oxygen.  I was thinking it would take longer because of that for her to leave the hospital, so as I prepared to barricade myself in my room to finish my final paper and get through the last week of school, it was pretty frustrating to find out that Shelby was coming home at the exact wrong time, especially because she was coming home still on oxygen.  My kids did their best to try to keep me in school longer. 

Despite being a veteran father of almost two years, I felt, when the time came, that I was a very unprepared (and perhaps a little unwilling) father.  In truth, I have been going through a lot of negative emotion surrounding this baby, and I need to do better.  I really wanted to have a son this time; not because I don’t love Shasta or that I’m against having girls.  I just felt like if we had a boy, then I would be completely okay with not having any other children.  I’m 75% sure that Sara won’t want to risk having any more children, and while I’m not against adopting a son, I would still really like to have one of our own.  But female children are healthier, so if this is how we’re going to bring children into this world, then maybe it’s best that we only have girls.  The timing was about the worst it could have been, and each time I thought we had passed the roughest part, it got worse.  I was less patient with Sara, and her complications this time, and probably lost my patience with Shasta more than she deserved.

Although I sound a little negative in this post, the truth is I love Shelby a little more every day and she’s worth every second of stress I’ve had getting to this point.  And I doubt this is the last time her plans will get in the way of my plans.  I’m sure most fathers go through these kinds of emotions; I’m certainly not the only one with problems.  Babies are amazing things, no matter how they come.  I used to be one, and I used to be a pain.  I wonder how my father felt when I was born.  I was supposed to be a girl, but I think it was a relief when I came out a boy.  We also received more help than we deserved from many people who didn’t need to help.

Shelby's Birth Story: Part 3

To all those that care, sorry it's taken me so long to get to Part 3. It's not a page turner like the rest of the story and since I've been so exhausted I figured it could wait. It's funny that I feel more exhausted now, with 2 children, then I ever did this last semester with Shasta, student teaching 5 days a week, school and homework, and being miserably sick and pregnant.

Anyway... back to the story.

After Shelby was born I still had to stay on Magnesium. It's recommended to be on it for 24 hours after delivery, but with Shasta I became toxic, so this time my doctor said I only had to be on it for 12 hours. Hallelujah! Unfortunately, when 12 hours came my blood pressure was still high so my doctor said I had to be on it the full 24. Booo!

Because Magnesium relaxes my muscles I had to be on strict bed rest while I was on it. That, mixed with my blood pressure still being high meant my nurses wouldn't let me go down to see Shelby... not even in a wheelchair! It was upsetting, but since I was in and out of sleep all day it wasn't too big of a deal. I was more upset that I had asked the NCU to bring up some pictures of Shelby and it was around midnight before I got any.

By 7pm I was taken off of Magnesium and the next morning I was finally off of bed rest. Seriously, longest two weeks of my life! I was so glad to be up and walking again. As soon as Nick got to the hospital we went down and saw Shelby. We didn't get to hold her, but it felt so good to finally get to see her and touch her. We didn't stay for very long because neither one of us had eaten breakfast and Nick had to leave for school soon.

After breakfast I took a much needed shower and was told to take the bandage off where they did my c-section. I wasn't expecting to see staples across the front of me so that freaked me out a little! With Shasta there was just tape. It was also creepy to think there wouldn't be a bandage protecting the staples from being snagged on my clothing. I also wasn't expecting them to remove them the day I was discharged from the hospital. The body really is an amazing thing. I had staples for roughly 48 hours and then tape for a week.

I went back down to the NCU once Nick came back and we finally got to hold Shelby!!! First time for both of us! Even though I desperately wanted to hold her, I let Nick hold her first and feed her a bottle because he wasn't going to get to stay for very long and I knew I would have countless opportunities to feed her and he wouldn't. Plus the walk from my room to hers was exhausting and I just wanted to rest a little.

I can't even begin to describe how it feels to hold your baby for the first time after nearly two days of not getting to see her. It's hard for me to even make the connection that I have a baby until that moment when I finally get to hold her. But what truly made it feel real was when I finally got to do skin to skin with her. I had to wait a week before they would let me because she had that line in her belly button and her doctor didn't want to risk it getting pulled out. I completely understood and wanted what was best for Shelby, but once I finally got to do skin to skin with her I cried. There's no greater feeling than a tiny, naked baby (still in a diaper of course) against your bare chest. I did it nearly everyday she was in the NCU after that and even for a while once she came home and from the first day to the last it always made my milk come in! Sorry for the TMI, but that's how much I love it!

The day I was discharged from the hospital was bitter sweet. I was so excited to finally be out of there after 8 days and be home with Nick and Shasta, but it was SO hard to leave without a baby. To comfort me, people have said things like, "if you think about it, she shouldn't even be born so it's okay that she's not in your home with you", but believe me, it's not the same. If she wasn't born she would be with me 24/7. I would know she was okay and that I was her soul provider. Her being in the hospital meant that she was away from me and other people were caring for her. It's two very different things.

Being home wasn't very easy either because I still wasn't allowed to lift Shasta since I had a c-section and I wasn't allowed to drive. Nick had to work that evening so someone from the ward came and helped me with Shasta. Mostly all I needed help with was putting her to bed, but I had someone with me from the moment she woke up from her nap until she went to bed for the night just in case anything happened and she needed to be picked up.

My parents came the next day and stayed with me for 10 days. I was SO grateful for all of their help. Shasta had separation anxiety so I wouldn't go see Shelby until after she went to bed for the night and occasionally during her nap. It was so nice that I could be with Shelby late at night and have someone at the house with Shasta. Plus it allowed me to spend some much needed quality time with Shasta during the day. Once my parents left I couldn't do that anymore and it was hard because after Shasta went to bed I felt like I was wasting precious time that could be spent at the hospital. And it was hard for me to go see her before Nick went to work and leave knowing I wouldn't be coming back for the rest of the day.

As far as this recovery goes, it's been night and day compared to Shasta's. I would even go as far as saying I'm fully recovered as of now. I feel completely human again and would be capable of doing anything I could do before I had surgery. With Shasta I couldn't say the same. I had sharp, shooting pains where my incision was for probably 6 months after having her, and I was numb across the front of me for close to a year. This time around I didn't have either of those things. The worst pain I had was going from a sitting to standing position. I would get shooting pains that would go away after a few seconds and then I would be fine. And my scar looks pretty amazing this time too. My first scar was really ugly and puffy. This time it's a flat, thin line. I'd post a picture, but it's probably more of me than anyone wants to see!

I'm so glad all of that stress is behind us. No more bed rest, baby's born, the semester ended, Shelby's home, Nick graduated, and we're almost done with being on house arrest. All that's left is for Shelby to figure out how to nurse and life would be good!

Shelby's Birth Story: Part 2

Monday morning I knew I was going to get to see my doctor. I was so anxious for his arrival, but I had no idea when he'd darken my doorway so I decided to go ahead and order breakfast. My nurse had been in at 6am and told me she'd be back in at 8:30 to bring me medication so it was just like any other day to me. Breakfast arrived and I had eaten half a piece of toast when Nick and Shasta walked in. I was handing Shasta a slice of toast when the nurse walked in and asked me how much I had eaten. I told her and she said not to eat anymore because I was headed down for a c-section.

WHAT???

I hadn't even seen my doctor yet. Why was it such an emergency to have a c-section? That wasn't at all how I saw my morning going and suddenly I was in panic mode. My doctor peeked around the corner and said hi to me and in my bravest voice I asked if I could talk to him. I was trying super hard not to cry! He said we could talk once I got downstairs, but he wanted to get me and my baby on monitors.

Nick gathered our crap, I climbed into a wheelchair, Shasta climbed onto my lap, and off we went. Once we were on the delivery floor I changed into a gown and sat in the bathroom and cried. I was SO nervous thinking about having a c-section. Even though I had done it before, this time I was going to be awake and have a spinal block. Yikes. I pulled myself together and climbed into bed to be hooked up to monitors yet again.

After a while my doctor came in and talked to us. He sat on the bed next to me as he always does... his bedside manner is one of my favorite things about him! He told me he couldn't believe I was still pregnant and that I must have been praying really hard for his return! I told him he had no idea! He said there was 11,000 grams of protein in my urine. Remember how I said 5+ was considered high risk? 5+ sits at 5,000 grams and I was over 11,000. That was news to me! I'm glad they didn't tell me that sooner since stress was already working against me all week. Anyway, he explained that if I was only 24-28 weeks pregnant then each day I was still pregnant would make a big difference for baby. But being nearly 33 weeks pregnant, each day wasn't going to change her development that much. He said he felt like at this point keeping me pregnant was too risky because it could turn ugly fast and it wasn't worth the risk. Sure they could try to keep me pregnant for the next few weeks, but with how high the protein was and how high my blood pressure was he didn't want to take the chance of losing me or my baby. Gulp.

I asked him if now that I've had preeclampsia twice would I get it again. He told me that because I got it at the same time in pregnancy as my first and that it was just as aggressive, I can pretty much count on getting it every time. I asked him if we would be crazy to have more children. He took my hand and said he could tell me the medical side of things, but that I needed to find my answers spiritually; that it was something that needed to be decided between me, my husband, and my heavenly father. And he playfully reminded me that my prayers obviously get answered because there we were, me still pregnant and him there to deliver my baby! Have I mentioned how much I love him?!? He's the perfect doctor for me, especially with how my pregnancies go. I'm so grateful he felt comfortable enough to bring up beliefs, especially in this society, and that he can still joke around and not be completely serious.

After he left it seemed like forever before we knew when my c-section would be. It was roughly only 10am and Nick and I were still feeling like I was going to be rushed into the OR at any given moment. But then the nurses that came in and out kept saying it may not be for another day or two. It was really frustrating because when I was told first thing that morning that I was headed down for a c-section they made it sound like it was going to happen right away so Nick and I were both confused and didn't really know what to expect.

Once they hooked me up to magnesium I was absolutely miserable. I think I dreaded this part the absolute most because I hate magnesium SO SO SO much. For those that don't know and have never had the pleasure of experiencing this awful drug, let me fill you in. When it starts pumping through your system you can feel it make it's way through your entire body. It's hot and makes your veins feel like they're on fire. Stephenie Meyer quite possibly has experienced magnesium at some point in her life because the way she describes a vampire bite is almost exactly how this drug feels! I once told my doctor that and he jokingly told me my teeth looked slightly pointier! I think he's onto something. I'm slowly being turned into a vampire!

Okay, back to the story. The reason why I have to be put on magnesium is because it helps regulate my blood pressure. The bad thing about it is aside from feeling like my whole body was on fire, it also relaxes all of my muscles including my brain and tongue! It probably wasn't noticeable to anyone else, but I felt like my speech was slurred and I struggled to concentrate on anything anyone said.

They had to pump magnesium into me at a high rate for 20 minutes and then they turned it down to a much slower drip. Those 20 minutes felt like a lifetime. At one point I told Nick I could never do this again. My mouth was suddenly super dried out and my throat felt thick. I asked the nurse if I could maybe have ice chips and she said no. I started to get super nauseous so the nurse gave me one of those silly puke pans and left to get some Zofran for my IV. As soon as she left I puked all over myself. Those puke trays are seriously ridiculous! They had me laying down flat to help with my blood pressure and being pregnant and on magnesium, I couldn't quite get rolled over fast enough to have better aim. When she came back I felt pretty dumb. Nick wasn't there because he had to pass Shasta off to his sister so when the nurse came back in I had puke all over my face and gown. Okay, it really wasn't that bad, but I sure felt like it was.

In all of my stress and worry my body decided to start contracting. I was having regular contractions that were showing to be fairly strong, but I wasn't really aware of them. I could feel my stomach tightening, but it wasn't painful or even annoying. The nurse told my doctor about the contractions and he said if I was dilated he would let me try for a VBAC. Side note: when I first got pregnant my doctor and I were planning to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After C-Section), but there were certain conditions that would allow me to have one. It mostly depended on my cervix and if I was dilated on my own. The reason is because Pitocin causes such strong contractions and they focus on the weakest part of the uterus. Because I've had a c-section before, if I wasn't dilated on my own the weakest part of my uterus would be where my incision is which would cause uterine rupture.

So now a vaginal birth was possibly back on the table and I was feeling really uneasy about it. For two weeks I had been preparing myself for a c-section. Now the thought of a normal birth seemed incredibly frightening, even if my baby was going to be super tiny! Being on magnesium made me feel really weak. Plus, I wasn't allowed to eat anything which is hard for me on any given day, but when I'm pregnant it might as well be a death sentence. The thought of laboring for the next who knows how many hours and then pushing a baby out of my body when I was already feeling so weak and miserable was more than I was prepared for. But it was my only chance for a vaginal birth. If I had a c-section I would have c-sections with every birth and I didn't want that. So as much as I wanted and prayed for a VBAC, I suddenly didn't want the choice.

Finally the nurse checked me to see if I was dilating. Nothing. My cervix was closed. But I wasn't surprised since I had just started having contractions. She told my doctor and he said we were still going to proceed with the c-section. I told Nick that although it was disappointing, I was kind of relieved. He said he felt the same way. At this point we were both tired of the run around. It had been a long two weeks and we were ready for it to be over.

An ultra sound tech came in and watched Shelby for over half an hour. He wanted to see where her development was and most importantly he wanted to see her lungs move up and down. Of course she was completely uncooperative as she had been with every ultra sound we had with her. He had to watch her lungs for half an hour and she never took a breath. It wasn't anything to be concerned about, it was just a way of knowing if she had been practicing breathing so they could kind of get an idea of what to expect from her lungs once she was born.

After he left there was still some time to kill so I did my best to get some sleep. I put my headphones in and listened to my iPod in hopes to take my mind somewhere else. It didn't work. I was so nervous for the c-section. At one point a nurse told me it would really be best for me and my baby if I would just relax and try not to think about things. I told her that was like slitting my wrists and then telling me not to bleed. It just wasn't going to happen. I sent a friend a text who had recently had a c-section and spinal block and asked her what to expect. Next thing I knew she was calling me. She told me all about her experience and said the spinal block was no big deal. I was grateful for her call because she really put my mind at ease.

Finally the time had come. The nurse came in, helped me into a wheelchair, and rolled me into the icy OR. I climbed onto the operating table and had to lay down on my left side to receive the spinal block. I curled up into the smallest ball I could, (not an easy task when 7 months pregnant, I can't even imagine what it's like for full term women) in order to make my spine more defined along my back. Next came the needle to numb me before putting in the spinal block. Not at all a fun experience. It wasn't that it was super painful, but the way it felt kind of freaked me out. I really don't even know how to describe it. It was kind of a jerking, popping, feeling that happened maybe five or six times. Then he told me all that was left was to put the block in and I was terrified thinking there was still more! But of course I didn't feel the block go in at all. And the nice thing was it was something that didn't have to be removed like with an epidural.

Once the spinal block was in he had me roll to my back and instantly I could feel it take effect. My legs were tingly like they get when they fall asleep. Over the next 4 minutes I lost my feeling and ability to move until it was completely gone. I was numb from the breast line down and the two smallest fingers in both hands were tingly. I felt a little nauseous so the anesthesiologist pushed something through my IV and instantly I felt better.  My arms were extended out, an oxygen mask was placed on my face, and a curtain was draped so I couldn't see from my chest down. Nick was sitting up by my head and held my hand. The nurse scrubbed me down and once she was done she told me I had the cleanest belly in all of Cache Valley! Then she covered all of me up except where they were going to operate.

My doctor came in and I'm not sure how many other people followed. I wasn't really aware of my surroundings. All I cared about was that Nick was there to hold my hand and the sooner we got started the sooner it'd be over. My doctor told me he was pinching me really hard and asked if I could feel it. Nope. So away he went.

I didn't have any concept of time. All I knew was it was taking longer than I wanted it to! My mind was mostly in prayer because even though everything was going well, it still freaked me out knowing I was awake while my guts were on the outside of my body! At one point my blood pressure dropped really low and I got really nauseous again. The next thing I knew I was trying to puke. I removed my oxygen mask and turned my head towards Nick. He held a puke bucket and I dry heaved over and over again for several minutes before that puking feeling finally went away. Can I just say when you can't feel from your chest down it is really difficult to try and puke!

Once my doctor could see my uterus he said he couldn't believe how thin it was. Then he peeked over the drape and said it again. He said it was thin enough he could see the amniotic fluid. Then the nurse said she was really glad they didn't let me labor and opted for the c-section and he agreed. I'm not sure what all of that means and if it's something I have to be concerned about with future pregnancies. Hopefully I'll get some answers at my 6 week check up.

Finally Shelby was out! They brought her around so I could see her and then quickly took her to work on her. I choked back tears feeling so grateful that she was here and I got to see her! They had her where I could still see what they were doing, but it wasn't the best view so I didn't pay much attention. I started to get really sleepy which kind of scared me. I didn't want to fall asleep because it felt to much like a "near death" experience!

At last it was over. They took down the drape and moved me from the operating table to a bed. That was the strangest feeling. They tipped me to the side to transfer me and I felt like I was falling, but couldn't move the lower half of my body to catch myself. I was moved into a recovery room where I had to stay for an hour before I was moved to the Mother/Baby floor. Nick went to be with Shelby for a little while since nothing exciting was going on with me anymore.

While laying there my doctor came out to tell me how brave I was. He again told me he couldn't believe how thin my uterus was and compared it to the thinness of his shirt. He said he would expect to see a uterus that thin at 39 weeks, not 32 weeks. He figured my body just decided it wasn't safe for me to be pregnant anymore and took matters into it's own hands to get the baby out.

When Nick came back I asked him if I was strapped to a board. I was covered in blankets so I couldn't see, but I pictured what you would see a person with a possible spine injury strapped to when being transferred by ambulance. Know what I'm talking about? It's funny that I thought that, but what makes it even funnier is that at one point the nurse pulled the blankets down to do who knows what to me so I lifted my head to see and my legs were bent to the side! Hahaha! I thought they were extended straight out. So very strange not to have feeling in my legs.

The time had come to move to a room. The nurse asked me if I wanted to stop and see Shelby first, but I told her I wasn't feeling up to it. I was tired, weak, and starving! Looking back I wish I would have gone because it was another day and a half before they let me see her again. That was torture, but more on that later...!

Officially:

Shelby Abigail Hendricks

Born April 8, 2013

6:57pm

3lbs 11oz

16 1/4 inches long

Shelby's Birth Story: Part 1

I realize I haven't blogged any of my pregnancy stories, but I'm going to start this post with week 30. Since I had preeclampsia with Shasta my pregnancy with Shelby was considered high risk even though it was only a 20% chance that it would happen again. Once I hit 30 weeks I needed to be seen every week to check my blood pressure and urine just to make sure there weren't signs of preeclampsia.

At 30 weeks I had an ultra sound to make sure baby was growing normal and the placenta was functioning properly. It was a way for them to see if there were any signs that preeclampsia was coming. Everything looked great and baby was growing the way she should so there was nothing to worry about. HA!

I came in the next week for a check up and guess what... protein in my urine. Seriously? In a week's time I went from nothing to 2+ protein. For those that don't know 5+ protein is considered high risk and I was already at 2+. My doctor told me I had to go upstairs for a catheter sample and I cried. Throughout my whole pregnancy I had been preparing myself for the moment I would be told I had to go upstairs in hopes that that moment would never come. I played out several different reactions in my head, but crying wasn't one of them! The worst part was my doctor was headed out of town in the morning and would be gone for the next ELEVEN DAYS!!! We talked a little longer before I left his office because I had some questions I wanted answered before he left. One of them was if I could still have a vaginal birth being that I was so early and very aware that my pregnancy wasn't going to go full term. When he told me no I cried again. And a lot harder. Even though I knew that was the answer I was going to get, I wasn't ready to hear it and surely wasn't ready to face it's alternative.

Once Nick and I left his office I sat in the waiting area by the elevator and told Nick I wasn't going upstairs without a blessing. I called a friend from the ward who was able to come to the hospital and help. While we waited for him to get there I decided we should go upstairs and get checked in. They still had the "no children under 14 allowed" restriction and since we had Shasta with us I told the nurse that I would wait in the lobby until I had a blessing before I went to my room. Nick went back downstairs to wait for our friend and the whole time he was gone tears streamed down my face. Then when they came up we found a somewhat private area and they gave me a blessing. I sobbed the whole way through it. And Shasta sat so quietly, like she knew it was important for me to hear the words Nick spoke.

After the blessing our friend took Shasta back to his house to play with his kids. Nick walked out with him to buckle Shasta in and help her feel more comfortable and I went to my room and gowned up. When I had to have a catheter with Shasta it was no big deal. This time it hurt. A lot. She wanted to get every last drop so she started moving it around and it felt like a razor blade was scraping my insides. So very miserable. They tested it and found that I did indeed have protein in my urine and I had to stay over night for monitoring and a 24 hour urine sample to see how much protein I was sluffing. They also wanted to give the baby two steroid shots which needed to be given 24 hours apart.

They took my blood pressure every 10 minutes and it was higher than it should be, but not nearly as high as it was with Shasta. All day long I heard "just relax and try to think about other things". Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that! My doctor came in my room around one in the morning because he had just delivered a baby. He told me he was confident I still had 5 more weeks of pregnancy left in me. And he told me if I made it to week 36 he would let me try for a vaginal birth because he knew how much I wanted it. Love him!

Finally, the next afternoon the 24 hour urine sample confirmed that I was sluffing a good amount of protein, but my case wasn't severe yet so after the nurse gave me my second steroid shot I was sent home on limited bed rest. No school, no lifting Shasta, nothing that would raise my blood pressure. Basically I was allowed to eat, use the bathroom, and shower. Miserable.

After a week I went back in for my 32 week appointment. This time my doctor was out of town and my appointment was with the nurse practitioner. Nick had class and I wasn't allowed to drive so my mother in law went to the appointment with me. The first thing the nurse practitioner said when she came in was I had to go back upstairs. More tears. Mostly because I can't even begin to explain how badly I wanted my doctor to be in town. I went upstairs, was monitored for a few hours, and was sent home to do another 24 hour urine sample.

The next afternoon Nick took the sample to the lab and we waited to hear from the on call doctor. A few hours later my phone rang. "The doctor says you need to check into the hospital. There's not a huge rush. Pack an overnight bag if you need to, but come in as soon as you can." I called my mom and told her the news because I knew she was waiting to know and I cried yet again. Then I called Nick at work and told him he'd need to take me, but there wasn't a huge rush. I showered, packed a bag, and had dinner since I knew once I got there they'd tell me I couldn't eat anything. Two hours later I arrived at the hospital.

That night was extremely upsetting. When I got there they hooked me up to the monitors and took my blood pressure every 5 minutes for an hour. The on call doctor came in and told me I needed to stay at the hospital and most likely won't be going home until I have a baby. After he left the nurse unhooked me from the monitors and I didn't see her the rest of the night. I didn't sleep that night. I was fuming mad. Here I was told I had to be at the hospital for monitoring and I wasn't being monitored. They weren't checking my blood pressure, they weren't watching Shelby, nothing. As the night progressed I felt more and more upset about it. Why in the world was I there if they weren't watching me? For all they knew I had a seizure and died! Sounds dramatic, but seizures are a big concern with preeclampsia.

When the day shift nurse came in the next morning and took my blood pressure it was the highest it had been. Big surprise. I told her why it was high and she said the night nurse probably just wanted to let me sleep. I told her I would have slept a lot better at home and it would have cost me a whole lot less. After breakfast she came back in and told me they were moving me upstairs to the Mother/Baby floor because there was no telling how long I would be there and it's cheaper on that floor. It's occurred to me just now that maybe they did that because I complained about wasting my money!

Once I was upstairs my new nurse told me I'd be on that floor until I had the baby which could be anywhere from that day to 4 weeks when I reached 36 weeks of pregnancy. I asked her when the on call doctor would be in to see me and she said she was in surgery and would come see me when she was done. After the nurse left the room I called my mom and told her how frustrated I was. I felt like I had a better chance of lasting until my doctor got back if I was at home and not in the hospital constantly being monitored. I was frustrated that in the five days I had been in and out of the hospital I was now going to see a fifth doctor. Everyday was a different doctor because it was spring break and they were all on vacation. I felt like nobody was invested in me. I was just a name on a chart and their goal was to get me through the day so they could pass me off to the next doctor. After I hung up the phone I cried some more.

I felt a lot better once the doctor came in. She made me feel a little less like a name on a chart and more like a human being with real concerns and frustrations. She also told me she was on call all weekend which made me feel a lot better knowing I wouldn't be seeing a new doctor the next day. She also gave me hope that once my doctor got back in town he may let me have a few days of bed rest at home. And she thought I still had a good two weeks of pregnancy left in me so I didn't have to worry that I wouldn't last until my doctor got back in town. Big sigh of relief!

But of course my body had different plans. My blood pressure just kept creeping higher and higher. Later that night the on call doctor came back in to see me. I didn't recognize her because the first time she came in she still had a surgical cap on so I never saw her hair. When she came back the second time she didn't have it on and it wasn't until she left that I realized she was the doctor! Ha! Anyway, she told me that any other doctor would tell her she's crazy for not taking me to the OR and getting the baby out, but she was gonna give me some blood pressure medication and see if it would help. Thankfully it did.

Saturday and Sunday I watched General Conference... or what I could stay awake for anyway. Why is it that I could be wide awake through mindless tv and the second conference comes on it's like tryptophan and I'm out?! My blood pressure was still high, but when Sunday evening came I felt pretty confident I was going to make it until morning and finally get to tell my doctor how unbelievably glad I was to see his face!

But he didn't give me the chance...