Shelby's Birth Story: Thoughts and Feelings

I promise this is the last post about Shelby's birth...!

Even though I had a pretty good idea what I was up against when I was told there was protein in my urine, I was terrified. The second time around was far harder than the first. Finding out a week sooner than I did with Shasta and being put on bed rest for a week and a half before Shelby was born was really difficult. I really struggled with feeling like an awful parent. It was SO hard for me to understand the importance of taking care of the child inside of me when there was a child right in front of me that needed me. Not only that, but I felt silly making everyone else do everything for my child and me when I felt capable of doing it myself.

During the semester Shasta was passed around from one sitter to the next, five days a week for eight weeks. My student teaching had finally ended and I finally got to spend my days with her and then two and a half weeks later I was put on bed rest. My whole pregnancy I struggled to be the mom that I wanted to be because I was so sick and miserable. During my student teaching I was still way sick, but it was starting to get better. By the time I was put on bed rest it had been three weeks since I had last puked. I was at a point where I was feeling decent and had time to spend with Shasta and it was suddenly ripped away from me.

I wouldn't have survived any of this without the help of family, friends, and ward members. Nick's sister Kaleena was a HUGE life saver while I was in and out of the hospital (and throughout the whole school semester for that matter). Knowing Shasta was with family (and a cousin that she absolutely adores) made it a whole lot easier on me. Even thinking back on it while writing this makes me tear up. I can't really begin to describe how it felt as a mother, to send my child off to someone else day after day and only getting to spend 10-20 minutes with her myself. Having Kaleena available to help really eased some of that stress and frustration. Side note: In all that Kaleena has done for me and Nick during the semester, I finally had the chance to help her out and watch her daughter while she went to get her hair done. It happened to be the afternoon of my 31 week appointment and wouldn't you know that was the first time I ended up in the hospital. I felt terrible, but luckily Nick was still able to watch her daughter.

Also, my ward set up meals while I was on bed rest and sent around a sign up sheet so people could be with me and Shasta while Nick was gone at work and school. They even set up an "on-call" list just in case I needed help outside of those time frames. They were understanding of my desire to have Shasta home with me and not sent off to different homes everyday for people to watch her. Even though it was less convenient for them to come be at my house, they were willing. They really were amazing. Plus, Nick's sister Emily came up one afternoon and helped out with grocery shopping and some cleaning and Nick's mom spent two days helping with housework and laundry. (I owe a lot of thank yous to a lot of people.)

I cried daily while I was on bed rest and while I was in the hospital. I had a lot of fears with this pregnancy and every last one of them smacked me in the face all at once. My biggest fear came before we ever even got pregnant and was prominent throughout my whole pregnancy. Many times my faith was blinded by fear because I just couldn't shake what I was feeling. And once I found myself on bed rest my fears were magnified because it all became very real in a hurry.

I wiped away tears every time Nick and Shasta left the hospital. I couldn't help but wonder if it would be the last time I would ever see them. I had a much better understanding this time around of how life threatening this disease can be and it was getting to me. And what's worse is knowing I will go through all of this again if we choose to have another baby.

Right now I don't know if there are more pregnancies in my future. I don't know what God's plan for us is and frankly, it's not an answer I'm ready to receive because either way it sucks. It's heart breaking to think Shelby could be our last and it's terrifying to think there could be more. But I figure since my baby is only 8 weeks old, it's not something I need to worry about right now. However, it is something I think about daily because I feel like I need to be prepared to accept whatever answer my Heavenly Father gives us. So right now I'm in search for answers because I feel like part of being prepared for an answer from Him is knowing what I'm up against with another pregnancy.

My doctor has recommended we talk to a specialist from Ogden and he'll set that appointment up when we're ready. Since I'm fully covered the rest of the year now that we've met our out of pocket, we'll be doing that sometime this year. Most likely before fall semester starts and our lives get crazy again.

It's hard not to feel like a failure in all of this. The one thing Nick wants more than anything else is a son and I may not be able to give him one. I can't shake being sick during pregnancy. I can't seem to carry a baby full term. I can't have a vaginal birth. And even if we did conceive a boy, they're not as strong as the girls so there's a good chance we wouldn't have as healthy of a baby as Shasta and Shelby were.

Sadly, I think the most heart breaking part with another pregnancy is thinking about all the help we'll need with taking care of my girls (and me if I end up on bed rest again). Worrying about Shasta was so stressful. Even though I knew she was fine and won't remember any of this when she's older, it still didn't help in the now, especially when she would cling to me or break down and cry when she had to leave me. I don't know that I can do that again. Not to mention how incredibly stressful it was making sure there would be someone to watch her each time we needed it.

When I think about another pregnancy, I think about how inconvenient it is for everyone else. I think of how much worry and stress I feel for my kids. I think about 7 nights straight spent in the hospital (experienced that with both Shasta and Shelby). Another pregnancy makes me think about steroid shots in my butt, a preterm baby, and time in the NCU. And worst of all, when I think of another pregnancy I think of Magnesium and a c-section. None of that sounds very fun.

So like I said, we don't know what our future holds, nor are we ready to know. Either way it's a lot to digest and the dust still hasn't settled from everything that happened this time around. I once wanted my kids to be spaced out roughly 2 years apart. Shelby was born April 8th and Shasta turned two April 25th. I guess we'll see if we keep with the trend!