In Order

One of my sisters told me that out of pregnancy, labor, delivery, recovery and nursing, nursing was the worst part. For me not so much! If I were to put them in order from worst to… not the worst, delivery would be my number one. In order it would be delivery, pregnancy, recovery, labor, and then nursing.

Delivery was the worst part for me because I didn’t get to be there for it. It would seem like being unconscious would make delivery the easiest part, but I’ve really struggled with the fact that I missed out. I think about it all the time; about what went on while I was lifeless on the operating table, and it really does make me sad that Nick and I neither one were there for the birth of our child. It wasn’t something either one of us considered in all the things that could have happened during labor and delivery. I’ve struggled with coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t see my daughter for a day and a half after she was born, my first time seeing her was in a picture, my first time going to her room was only for 15 minutes, and that there was never a baby in my room while I was in the hospital. That’s not the hospital experience I was expecting. But I think it would have been easier for me if I was at least awake for the delivery.

Pregnancy was really hard for me, but it easily comes in second next to delivery. Puking for 32 weeks straight is not at all my idea of a good time. The longest I went without throwing up was 9 days and that only happened once. I tried three different medications to try to help me feel better and none of them worked. Zofran helped a little, but the trade off was constipation which was just as bad as puking! It’s funny though that while I was pregnant all I could think was how I never wanted to do this again and then it ended so suddenly and unexpectedly that now I’m anxious to try it again! Well, anxious in an if-only-I-didn’t-just-have-a-baby kind of way. To be clear, my doctor told me it’s best to wait 2 years between deliveries so my body can heal so it won’t be a fast turnaround for baby #2 to be on its way. PS. That's the last belly picture I took and I'm 23 weeks.

Recovery SUCKED! It wasn’t too big of a deal as I was going through it, but now that I don’t hurt like I did it’s not something I want to experience again. While in the hospital the nurses always asked me to rate my pain and I pretty much always said 1 or 2. It wasn’t a big deal when all I did was lay in bed. The third day was the worst though. That’s when they took out the catheter so I was up and down a lot more. Once I got home I basically felt like I had a really good ab workout, (but without the look-how-great-my-stomach-looks feeling from working out). Getting in and out of bed was the hardest. And sitting, and standing, and walking, and climbing the stairs, and laughing, and pooping, and… being awake! No, but really, as long as I didn’t have to use my stomach muscles I was doing good. I sure missed that adjustable hospital bed! At the push of a button I could lay down, sit up, control the tv, turn the lights on and off, and call for a nurse to get me whatever I wanted. If only that were the case when I got home! Nick never responded to me pushing any buttons! (Note to self: next time use baby monitor as a walkie talkie!) Each week got a little easier, but it wasn’t until the 6th week that I really started feeling normal again. I still get a lot of shooting pains around my scar, but my doctor said that’s normal and will go away with time. The skin between my incision and my belly button is still numb. I’m beginning to think I won’t ever get feeling back right there. And I still swell a LOT and I’ll be glad when that finally stops and my pants fit comfortably again. Needless to say, I never want another c-section.

Labor was pretty much cake. Being on Magnesium really distorted my perception of what was going on. I was induced around 9pm and by 5:30am was dilated to a 3. The progress was really slow because they were pumping two medicines in me that contradicted each other. Obviously the Pitocin was what induced the labor, but I had to be on Magnesium to keep me from having seizures which relaxes all of your muscles (including my brain apparently) so it basically slows down what the Pitocin is trying to do. I never felt any contractions although towards the end I kind of wondered if I was feeling them a little. Guess I’ll never know.

Nursing has been a challenge, but it’s been my favorite part of all these experiences by a long shot. I love nursing. I didn’t think I would because of all the horror stories I’ve heard, but I really do love it which kind of surprises me. Shasta started off being tube fed. From there she was tube fed mixed with bottles. Then we upgraded to just bottles. Then we had bottles mixed with nursing with a shield. Then bottles mixed with nursing without a shield. And finally we’ve switched to just nursing with the occasional bottle at night (so I can sleep). The whole time she was in the NICU I pumped every three to four hours which made me incredibly sore and I dreaded doing it. She left the hospital only eating about an ounce and every time I pumped I got as much as 8oz at a time. Needless to say there was a plethora of milk in the freezer so I slowed down my pumping to about four times a day and nursing once or twice. I was really afraid of losing my milk because I was no longer consistent with pumping and I stopped feeling that need for relief.

Shasta’s doctor told me that he thought she was strong enough that if I wanted to I could switch her to just nursing, but I was really worried I didn’t have enough milk to feed her 8 times a day. I had decided that over the weekend I would nurse her every other feeding and when she got a bottle I would pump to help build up my milk supply. Yeah, that didn’t work. We seemed to be in and out of the house all weekend long so it was always more convenient to do a bottle. I was still really stressed out that I wouldn’t be able to give her what she needed and I was really afraid to give up pumping altogether because I didn’t know any other way. Finally, after a lot of prayer and talking with a friend I decided to switch her cold turkey.

She doesn’t care where the food comes from as long as she gets fed so she does really well with nursing. It doesn’t matter who’s holding her, if she’s hungry she’ll try to eat your arm, chin, neck, cheek, shirt, fingers; whatever her mouth is closest to! It’s really been a blessing that she does so well with eating because we were told that a lot of premies struggle the most with latching and sucking. There have been a few times that she’s fought me with nursing and I’ve given in and just given her a bottle, but from the beginning she’s done really well with it.

Everything has worked out so well and I’m so glad nursing hasn’t been trying because it was the one thing I wanted to like the most. Maybe my experience with not getting to nurse her right away mixed with my desire to want to enjoy it made my wish come true, but I really do appreciate the fact that I get to nurse her. When we were at Nick’s parent’s house a few weekends ago, every time I carried her up the stairs to nurse her in private I thought, I’m the luckiest mom in the world to get to be the one to nurse this precious little girl! I love the way she looks at me while she nurses and the way she rubs her hand on my side even though I’m ticklish and sometimes it makes my skin crawl! I love getting to hold her so close to me and have that special bond with her that nobody else can have. I love that she lets me play with her hair. Sometimes she eats in silence and other times she hums. Then there’s those times when she thinks she’s starving and goes all Cookie Monster on me. I love all those moments. During those first two weeks of switching her when I thought I was going to die of pain I would think about all of my favorite moments to help me get through. And then when the pain was too much to bear she would get a bottle! But overall I feel I’ve had a really good nursing experience and sometimes I think I’m going to be one of those crazy moms that nurses her child until she’s in high school! Hahaha! (Nick’s response when I read this to him was, “Not a chance”. Guess there goes that idea!) :)