Stand-Up Comedy

Here are some of my favorite stand up comedy moments! Nick and I really like watching stand up comedy, but it's hard because you just never know what you're gonna get. These three comedians are our favorite along with Brian Regan, but Nick likes him a lot more than I do. Demitri Martin and Jeff Dunham use some language in their shows so be warned if you decide to look them up. Don't worry though. I didn't quote anything with language for this post! Demitri Martin is known for his randomness, Jim Gaffigan is known for voicing what the audience is thinking, and Jeff Dunham is a vantriloquist, enough said!

First a few from Demitri Martin:

There's a small, but important difference between peeing IN the pool and peeing INTO the pool. Location, location, location.

I want to buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together. People will say, are those hermit crabs? I'll say, not anymore. These are mingling crabs. Very rare.

They must have named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Orange, those are oranges. And what are these? Ah, crap. Long pointies?

When they were naming the vitamins they must have thought there were way more vitamins then there ended up being. They're like, okay let's just start at the top. Vitamin A. Keep going. Vitamin B. Okay, slow down, we've got a lot to cover. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and were like, oh crap, we're pretty much done. We've got all those B's. Let's just skip to K and get the heck out of here.

Sort of is such a harmless thing to say, sort of. It's just a filler. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things sort of means everything. Like after I love you, or you're going to live, or it's a boy!

To me swimming is a confusing sport because sometimes you do it for fun and sometimes you do it to not die.

I want to put a sign on a revolving door that says "pull" just to see how obedient people are.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in them which is great because before I had to hold things when I slept.

I wonder what the most intellegent thing ever said was that started with the word, dude. Dude, these are isotopes. Dude, we just removed your kidney, you're going to be fine. Dude, I'm so excited to win this nobel prize. I'd like to thank my friends, Turtle, Digger, and all my homies.

I like to stand behind people at the ATM and when they put in their pin yell, "got it!" and run away.

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces and when you finish it it says GO OUTSIDE!

Jim Gaffigan:

My wife always says it was a tradition in her family to go camping. Well yeah, it was a tradition in everyone's family to go camping until they invented the house! My parents never took me camping, you wanna know why? Because they loved me! If it's so great outside then why are all the bugs trying to get in my house?

Has anyone ever really been a happy camper? Because whenever we use that term we're being sarcastic. He is not a happy camper. Why don't we just call him a camper? You know who's a happy camper, the guy who's leaving the campsite. He's the happiest camper. He gets to take a shower.

Last time I went camping I got this pamphlet that said if a bear aproaches you're supposed to play dead. Really? We're gonna rely on my acting skills? Play dead? Who came up with that... maybe the bears? Play dead, cover yourself in honey, climb on a large white plate, don't try to run away from us... I mean the bears.

Jeff Dunham:

Walter: I want to be a greeter at Walmart. "Welcome to Walmart. Get your crap and get out. Have a nice day."

Jeff Dunham is super funny, but after trying to post things he says I've realized it's the personalities of his puppets that make him funny. Just quoting a joke of his without any background takes away from the humor, so I guess I can only really quote one joke from him.

Anyway, hope you laughed at least once while reading these.