I am by no means a perfect parent. And I have some ideas about parenting that I'm sure friends and family close to me don't agree with. But one of the beauties about being a parent is that I get to choose what is best for my children. Here are some things I do (or don't do) with my kids that other parents may not agree with, but it works for us.
1. I don't feed my children any kind of sweets before they're a year old. The first time they get to have a "treat" is on their first birthday when they get to dig into their birthday cake.
2. I don't make my kids (right now just Shasta) eat dinner. In my house the rule is she has to sit at the table during dinner, but she doesn't have to eat if she doesn't want to. We never have dinner battles at home because I don't worry about getting her to eat and she doesn't fight me on not eating if she doesn't want to. The beauty is since she's not allowed to leave the table until everyone is done eating, she typically eats dinner. If she has to sit there, chances are she's going to eat something. It's rare that she doesn't eat a full meal and there's never been an instance where she hasn't eaten anything at all. She may not try something new that I've served, but she'll still eat some dinner every night. (Side note: tonight we had Hawaiian Haystacks. Shasta told me she didn't want to eat dinner and I told her that was fine, but she still had to sit at the table. While sitting there she ate a few chow mein noodles, but nothing else. I told her that if she didn't eat dinner now, when she decided she was hungry later she would have to eat some dinner before she could have anything else. Before bed she decided she was hungry. I told her the only thing she could have was what we had for dinner and she agreed. We went downstairs, heated up her plate (that I covered up and put in the fridge), and she ate her dinner. And then I rewarded her with a cookie!)
3. I don't let my kids play with electronics. I understand that there are a lot of great teaching apps out there and kids really do benefit from them, but I believe that electronics make children not want to engage in playing. I've taken a lot of child development classes and I strongly believe that playing is the best way for children to learn. Especially young children. They learn small and large motor skills, object manipulation, math and science skills, and the list goes on. Sure, Shasta may not know what a rhombus is or how to add numbers together, and I'm sure there's an app that could teach her, but why in the world does she need to? She's two years old! I take a lot of pride in the things that she does know because I taught her those things and didn't just stick her in front of a screen to learn while I was off doing something else. I don't know what age I will allow my children to start using electronics, but for now it's not for us. I don't think it's necessary to constantly fill her time with entertainment; even if that entertainment comes from learning apps. I've never given her my phone to play with while we go grocery shopping and I've never struggled with her at the grocery store. We sing, talk about what we see, practice sign language, whatever. I actually enjoy taking her grocery shopping (other than I hate going and taking her adds more work to an already boring chore)! The few times she's played with an iPad or phone has typically turned into some kind of tantrum and that's not something I'm willing to deal with. Plus if I fill her time with apps then how will she ever learn to sit and listen during church? I realize her generation will always have technology available to them, but I've noticed just with myself how addicting it can be (there's always an app to keep me busy) and I'd rather she use her imagination and explore her creativity than have her delicate little eyes glued to a screen all the time. And I can already hear the arguments. It's fine in moderation. Personally, I think the phrase "in moderation" has become a poison for our generation; a justification to defend our actions. Moderation is subjective and I know for me, the lines will blur and I won't be very good at setting limits or sticking to a usage schedule so I'd rather not go there.
4. I don't tell my kids "good job". I believe telling them "good job" makes them dependent of my opinion of them and their work and that they will do things for my approval instead of for their own satisfaction. When Shasta colors a picture we talk about things I notice, like if she used a lot of one color or used a lot of colors at random. When she cuts paper we talk about how careful she was being or how many pieces she cut the paper into. When she successfully does something she's never done before, like the first time she put her shoes on or got dressed, I didn't tell her good job. Instead I excitedly said, "You did it! How does that make you feel?" to help her feel pride in herself without depending on me to tell her it's okay to be proud of herself for what she did. I cringe a little when other people tell her good job. In some ways it's just a silence filler; half listening, not paying that much attention, don't know what else to say, "good job" is what comes out. And as an adult, when people tell me good job, I feel like it's a little condescending. Thanks for your stamp of approval. My life finally has meaning because someone told me good job!
5. I don't force my kids to say "sorry" or "thank you". Encourage, yes. Force, no. I always ask Shasta if she would like to say thank you, but I don't make her. And I never make her tell people she's sorry because I don't think an empty apology does any good for anyone. When she does something hurtful, we talk about why saying sorry is nice and lets the other person know she feels bad for what happened and how it can help make the other person feel better. I teach her by example by always trying to apologize to her for every little thing that happens in our day. I'm sorry I got mad, sorry I stepped on your foot, sorry I made you wait, whatever it may be I tell her I'm sorry all the time. And in return, she says she's sorry for most things on her own without me suggesting it and when she doesn't I explain to her why saying sorry in this situation might be a good idea. But I never make her because I believe saying sorry or thank you is a choice and I would rather she say it because she wants to and not because I forced her. When other people do nice things for her I always ask her if she would like to tell them thank you and when she says "no" with her eyes fixed on her feet, I say thank you for her and leave it at that. We talk about why it's nice to tell people thank you, but she is incredibly quiet around other people and me trying to force her to say thank you or sorry is just awkward for everyone. I think forcing her, when she already feels uncomfortable, would just make her feel embarrassed and ashamed.
6. I have never spanked my kids and I never will. My kids are 100% teachable. The day I stop believing that is the day I stop being a parent. People claim that the current generation doesn't have respect for others because they weren't spanked as kids and I think that is the most ridiculous connection. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other. I was occasionally spanked as a kid and the only thing it taught me was to fear my parents and hide things from them for fear if they knew it would result in me getting spanked. I don't want my kids to fear me. I want them to feel like they can tell me anything knowing that we'll have a civil conversation about it and figure out how we can do better next time. Plus it's a double standard to teach children not to hit and then turn around and hit them when they do something wrong. It doesn't make sense to hit my kids when they're not behaving how I want them to because hitting them isn't behaving how I should either. I could write a whole blog post on spanking, but I'll stop with saying it isn't for us and I'll never be convinced otherwise.
7. I encourage my kids to interrupt me while we read books to talk about the story. It's called dialogic reading. I love when Shasta asks me questions because it shows that she's listening and wanting to learn. And at the same time I stop on almost every page and ask her questions and try to relate the story to things she knows and understands.
8. When I put my kids (namely Shasta) in timeout I sit there with her and talk to her the whole time. Timeout is a moment for teaching. I use timeout to pull Shasta away from a situation and help her regroup. We talk about why she's sitting in timeout and how she can do better. I help her understand why what she did wasn't the best choice and what would be a better choice. If I just stuck her in timeout for 2 minutes and walked away she wouldn't learn anything. By talking things through, it helps me understand her intentions a little better and it helps her talk through what happened. Timeout always ends with a hug, an apology, and saying "I love you". She always tells me she's sorry (and I never make her do it)!
9. I don't let my kids sleep in my bed. Bottom line, I need my sleep. I'm a beast if I'm sleep deprived. I understand that my kids will only be little once and eventually they won't want to cuddle or be held. I know someday I'll miss when my kids were little. Heck, I already do and my baby isn't even a year old yet. But I have kids crawling all over me all day long. Bedtime is time for me to have my own space and get the rest I need so I can be the mom I always dreamed of being when I wake in the morning. Plus, husband and wife things can't happen if there's a child in my bed and since my whole day is dedicated to my kids, my nights are available for my marriage!
10. I wean my kids from their pacifiers before they're too old to fight me on it. Shasta was never really attached to her pacifier before I took it away, but Shelby certainly was. She was super dependent on it and woke up several times at night crying for it. At six months I took it away cold turkey and we never looked back. My only reason for this is because I hate pacifiers! I hate having my kids be dependent on something that I have to remember to bring with me when we're out in public or staying the night with family. This includes blankies, stuffed animals, and toys, or specific things needed in order for them to fall asleep such as blackout curtains, music, and white noise. If it's something I have to remember to bring with me or will keep me from enjoying my time with family because my kids won't sleep, then it's not a habit I'm going to start or keep around. The only "bad habit" I allow is nursing for comfort. That's something I always have with me and can whip out whenever I need to! Ha!
11. It's rare that we take our kids out in the hall during sacrament meeting and when we do they have to sit on the couch and can't get down and play. Since Shasta's been potty trained for the last year, the only time we leave sacrament meeting is to use the restroom and then we come straight back. And she has to walk with her arms folded or she isn't allowed to go. When Shasta cries during Sacrament because Shelby pulled her hair or she slipped off the pew and got hurt, I comfort her right there in the meeting without leaving our seat. It probably drives other families crazy, but her tears are gone as quickly as they come and I know if I take her out every time she cries she'll learn that crying gets her a ticket to leave a meeting she finds boring to begin with. It's been a year since we went in the hall during Sacrament meeting with Shasta and other than for nursing or standing in the back to get Shelby to take a nap, we've never taken Shelby out of the meeting.
12. I nurse my kids for a minimum of one year and since both so far have been premies I tack on two months for their gestation. Nursing is important to me and I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. I nursed Shasta until she was 15 months and the only reason I weaned her was because we knew we wanted to have another baby. I would like to say I plan on nursing Shelby even longer, but she's recently taken to biting and because of it my desire to nurse her is quickly fading. But I guess that's where prayer comes in.
13. I keep my kids rear facing in their car seat for 2 years. Basically, I choose life. In my mind, there isn't a need to turn them forward facing before it's recommended and it isn't worth the risk.
14. I let Shasta pick out her own clothes and pajamas every day. Because of this Shasta wears leggings every single day! The only exception to allowing her to pick out her own clothes is when we leave the house she has to put on real pants if it's cold outside or she has to put a skirt on over her leggings if the weather is decent. I don't let her wear just leggings in public because if it isn't appropriate for me (which is my personal standard for myself and other women can do what they want), then it isn't appropriate for her either.
15. I don't force my kids to share. I tell them they have to wait until the other person is all done using it before they can have a turn. It doesn't make sense to me to take something away from one child and give it to another because they want it. The child who gets the toy then has a good experience while the child who had the toy taken away has a bad one. By not making them share, one child learns patience while the other child learns compassion. Shasta almost always plays with a toy a little longer and then hands it to her friend to let them have a turn. I encourage sharing by letting her know someone else would like a turn, but I never make her give it up.
16. I don't cater to my kids at meal times. Whatever dinner I have planned is what my kids eat. I never intentionally make "kid friendly" dinners and I don't make separate meals for my kids. I serve Shasta a little of everything I make regardless of whether or not she will eat it. I know she doesn't like broccoli and I make it at least once a week if not more and I put it on her plate every time. I learned in school that it takes exposing a child to a new food item up to seven times before they are even willing to taste it and I absolutely believe that's true. Shasta won't eat broccoli because she doesn't like it. In other words, she has tasted it more than once and can honestly say she doesn't like it. It took a long time for her to come around to actually tasting it, but she finally made that choice on her own after seeing it served to her several times. I don't decide what she will and won't eat and not serve things to her because I think she won't eat it. I let her decide for herself by always serving and reserving things she claims she doesn't like. However, I do try to include some kind of side with every meal that I know she likes so she at least has something to eat if it's a meal she's never had before or a main dish she doesn't care for. Overall she's a pretty good eater and I'd like to think some of that is stemmed from how we approach meals in our house. And when we eat out she would rather eat steak, chicken wings, a hamburger, or salad, than any kid friendly meal on the menu so we rarely ever order anything off the kid's menu for her. As for Shelby, I feed her anything I think she won't choke on straight off my plate at every meal and I've yet to find something she won't eat.
After writing all of these things down it makes me feel a little like a crazy person! I know my parenting isn't perfect and there's plenty I need help with and could work on to become better. And maybe all of my theories work for us because Shasta is really easy going and makes my job easy. Maybe Shelby will give me a run for my money and nothing I'm doing now will work with her. I could write an entire post dedicated to almost all of these points, but instead I just did a little blurb about each one because my point in writing this post isn't to get other parents to change what they do so they can do it my way. I simply wanted to write them down and analyze my own parenting tactics.
I see way too many articles about what you should and shouldn't do with children and at the end of the day it is completely up to each individual parent how they want to raise their children. My approach to things is my way of picking my battles based on what's important to me. I'm sure every single person that read this (if anyone even made it to the end) cringed with at least one of these (if not ALL of them) and I'm okay with that. I used to worry about what other people thought of my parenting abilities, but I've recently realized that the only opinions that matter are my husband's and kids' and since they're on board (well, for sure Nick is at least), that's all I care about.
